what does man search for

 What does man search for?

Why are men here? What is our purpose?

Is it more money, material goods, to protect women with past trauma?

Where did all these beliefs come from about men and how we are supposed to act?

Men are here to provide and support. We cannot show emotion or cry. We are not allowed to speak about how we are feeling inside. We constantly make decisions based on how other people will judge us. What will our friends think of us? If we don't talk about the game or girls then what are we supposed to talk about? 

Our feelings...

Society puts us in this box that consist of our masculinity. Which includes being the bread winner, having muscles, we need to support women, and we can't show emotion. If we do show emotion, we are even judged by our own significant other. They think we are weak and can't be trusted. They think, now who can I go to if I need a hug or a shoulder to cry on. 

When can we finally be free? Free from the people that think we need to be muscular bound men who make lots of money. When can we be normal and not fit the norm? When will women accept that we can cry instead of leaning on us for support only or for money. 

When can a father learn to be present and step up in a young man's life?

When will our mother's stop telling us not to cry instead of asking why are you crying and how do you feel right now? 

When will social media stop portraying men as savage beasts with a killer instinct. 

Remember, you are man enough right now, you can be the change, it is time to accept who we really are and not what society thinks of us. 

Angry Orchid

 Hello Fam,

I decided to by an Orchid yesterday for self-love, I am angry today unfortunately because I am thinking about my ex again. It is really hard when your constantly not busy and keeping your mind off of her. As I am writing this,  I realize I just need to be more positive and appreciate the life I have. I have had no problem finding a girlfriend and another girl who is right for me and the right time will enter my life. 

Stay Blessed everyone 

Things to do when your thinking about your EX

 This is a hard one for me right now. At this very moment I am stuck at work and I cant do anything besides blog to keep my mind off of her. I work at a hotel right across the street from this Admin building so that does not help my cause either. Once technique I use is when a thought of my Ex pops in I take that image and imagine myself putting in a container and burring it in the ground.

I do hate this feeling, I know it will take time, it has not even been a month yet, hard to focus on the day and not count the months I have ahead of me. 

Thank you for listening 

Here are a couple of things you can do:

1> Go for a Walk

2) go to gym

3) scream in your car 

4) deep breathing

5) meditation 

6) phone a friend 

7) Do a hobby

8) watch TV 

9) talk to your therapist 

Lost...

 This will be my first blog post on my journey to self-love and confidence. The reason for this blog is to express my emotion and hopefully it also helps others out. Another reason is learning how to be in the present and not just scrolling through social media everyday wondering who likes my post or pictures and needing that validation for others. Basically, Fuck Everyone and I do not care what anyone thinks about me. I am just gonna do me and if you do not vibe with me then that is on you not me. 

First, Self-love is a bitch, I was recently told by my-ex who just broke up with me that she loved herself more and needed someone that loves her more than she loves herself. She actually was contradicting herself, during my research I discovered that no one will ever love you more than you love yourself and that we need to be able to be self sufficient in our emotions and be able to work through them alone. We do not need others to help us. Yes, the other partner needs to show support and that you care, but that person will keep getting disappointed with their partner because they keep feeling like they are not helping  or supporting them through every pitfall in life. 

I felt like I was being supportive to her needs and checking in with her, but still felt like it was not enough. So her being an "Anxious Attachment" person she constantly needs and worries that their partner does not love them back. I am at the moment an "Avoidant Attachment" where when someone gets close to me I push them at an arms distance. Through counseling, the result of me being avoidant  was from when my mom died when I was 23. She was the one that told me everyday loving words and showing love with a hug and since then I had no one to show me that so I lost that for the last 10 years and did not know how to show love or receive it. 

I did a Rhetti test (I recommend everyone takes this) that gives you a profile about who you are and what you need to work on. I found out that I needed to achieve inner peace and solve the problems on my own. I learned that I needed to be open with my partner and communicate better, but still figure out the problems on my own and be more of a "Secure Attachment." 

All in all, we need to remember that we are not broke and its continuous growth everyday to get to a point of self-reflection and peace. Your partner also needs to realize that the growth does not happen over night and they need to be able to support you and go on the journey with you.

#selflove #attachment #avoidant #selfconfidence #anxious #secure #thewhiteabyss

Thank you for reading  

Jeff Samardzija Trade

I like the trade that the A's made for Samardzija because they want to win now. The A's will not be able to sign Josh Donaldson or Cespedes after there contracts are up because they will be looking for more money. Samardzijas contract has one more year left therefore the A's have about a two year window to win the World Series.

2013 Area Code Games

Here are some notes from the 2013 Area Code games in Long Beach, CA:


Josh Morgan: He has soft hands with lateral quickness. He can snare choppers in the hole and has a strong arm.


Brock Burke:


LHP with on over hand delivery, does not have command of breaking ball, but has good command of FB. He had 3 strikeouts and 1 walk.


Hunter Bross: RHP


He has a 3/4 delivery. He did not hold runners on well. He did have a quick pick off move.


Raphael Rameriz:


Small body frame. He hits for contact and has good speed around the bases. He has a good approach at the plate.


Nick Allman:


He has an open stance. He is a fastball hitter and needs to work on breaking balls.


Mitch Hart: RHP


Good location of breaking balls. He has a small body frame with room to fill out. He gets ahead of hitters. He throws CB for strikes.


Joe Gillette:


He did not have a good approach to the plate. He didn't have a feel for the zone and swung at anything close to the plate.


Matt Trask: RHP


He has a quick delivery, but needs to find release point for CB. He has an average pick off move.


Jonathan Olsen:


He has a good 12 to 6 CB that he throws for strikes.


Tyler Megill:


He is an over hand delivery. He is a power pitcher. He keeps the ball low and gets lots of ground balls. He gave up no hits and had 1 strikeout.

2013 Afflac All-American Classic

Here are my scouting reports for the following players:


Grant Holmes: 92-93 FB, has a 3/4 arm slot, can locate his fastball. He has a good break on his CB that moves like a slider in the high 80's.


Brady Aiken: He has a 3/4 arm slot. He has a big CB, but has trouble with location


Dylan Cease: He is long and lengthy. His command his good with his FB and CB. He has a mid 70's CB. He drops his elbow so when he tries to throw his CB their is no spin on it.


Tyler Kolek: Mid to upper 90's FB. He throws down-hill and is a complete power pitcher. His CB ranges from 77-81 mph.


AZ Fall League Game:


Tyler Waldron: 87-92 mph FB. He has a 3/4 arm slot and pitches to the corners. He has good location and a good 12 to 6 CB. He did struggle with runners on base.